ESQUIRE
I, for one, do not welcome our Sexy Thor overlords. No offense to Chris Hemsworth, who is obviously a very attractive God, but really, People? He’s not even the sexiest man to appear on a magazine cover this month. But we’ll have to live with him for the next 365 days, after which his title will be revoked, and just like previous winners Tom Cruise and Denzel Washington, he’ll be killed to make room for the next sexiest person with a penis who isn’t dead.
Meanwhile, back in October, Esquire dubbed Penelope Cruz the sexiest woman alive, making the Vicky Cristina Barcelona star and Hemsworth the prom queen and king of hotness. But how do they compare to previous Man (People) and Woman (Esquire) winners?
Let’s rank them all, dating back to 2004.
11. Minka Kelly/Ryan Reynolds (2010)
Tyra > Lyla. Plus, this was the year before Ryan Reynolds starred in Green Lantern and The Change-Up. He should have handed his trophy (a gold-plated subscription card?) back to People.
10. Angelina Jolie/Jude Law (2004)
Jude Law? Jude Law?!? 2004 was the year he starred in six movies, only one of which (I Heart Huckabees) holds up. Meanwhile, Jolie was about to appear in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, a dangerously sexy movie that still can’t erase the memory of me falling asleep to Alfie.
9. Kate Beckinsale/Johnny Depp (2009)
I mean, sure, if you’re attracted to a talking pile of scarves, tattoos, and random medallions, then I can imagine why you’d “vote” for Depp. Otherwise, he’s dragging down Beckinsale.
8. Scarlett Johansson/Adam Levine (2013)
Don’t worry, I would never disrespect ScarJo THAT much, except for when I just called her ScarJo. She appears later on. No, Johansson’s ranked this low because of Adam Levine, who is only enjoyable when he’s being murdered on American Horror Story.
7. Halle Berry/Hugh Jackman (2008)
Yes, these are two very attractive humans. I consider Berry and Jackman to be “gorgeous” and “handsome,” not “sexy,” so that’s my everyday struggle. What’s yours?
6. Penelope Cruz/Chris Hemsworth (2014)
Which member of the Avengers is the most pissed they haven’t been on the Sexiest Man/Woman Alive issue? I bet it’s Jeremy Renner. It’s always Jeremy Renner.