A part of me feels bad for Michael Shannon. He’ll forever be known as The Creepy Guy first, followed by Great Actor, Good Musician, and Decent Pub Trivia Question (“What was Michael Shannon’s first acting job?” “Playing a troubled teen in the Every Mother’s Nightmare’s ‘House of Pain’ music video”). I don’t feel THAT bad for him, though, because goddamn, no one plays scary creepy better than Michael Shannon. No offense, Steve Buscemi.
This week, Shannon can be seen in his most prominent mainstream role yet, playing General Zod in Man of Steel (according to Vince in his review of the film, “Zod just sort of shows up to kill everyone, and you wonder, why?” BECAUSE. THAT’S WHY). To most, however, he’ll forever be known as the Jew-drowning, name-changing Federal Prohibition agent on Boardwalk Empire…even if Nelson Van Alden/George Mueller never appears on a Walmart pizza box. Curious what it’s like to be Shannon? Here’s a 10-step guide on how to live your life the man himself.
#1. Always uncomfortably loom.
#2. Confront your enemies by scalding them with an iron.
#3. Look creepy while eating.
#4. Look creepy while hitting yourself with a belt.
#5. Look creepy while…I have no idea.
#6. Get Paz de la Huerta pregnant (NOTE: do not get Paz de la Huerta pregnant).
#7. C*nt punt whenever possible.
#8. Don’t hurt yourself trying to smile.
#9. Drown a Jew if given the opportunity.
#10. And above all, BRING LEMONS.
Congratulations. You’re now Michael Shannon. THEY will be kneeling before you soon enough.