What do you think a birthday party for David Lynch looks like? I imagine the walls are painted to look like scabs, and instead of a cake, there’s a massive pile of coffee grounds with worms crawling through it. Also, can’t forget the rockin’ music, which sounds like nine cats thrown into a mincer. Ain’t no party like a David Lynch party ’cause a David Lynch party don’t stop. Literally, it never stops — you’re stuck there with the coffee worms forever.
That being said, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID LYNCH. The great director turns 68 years old today, which is roughly how long it’s been since his last film. Hopefully, Lynch has a few more decades in him (he’ll probably out live us all), because without his guidance, there are so many awful things we wouldn’t know about. Such as:
1. The line between helpful detective and hurtful pervert is constantly blurred.
2. This is horrifying for Heineken International.
3. That’ll teach you to have Thanksgiving with David Lynch.
4. Also, never have a baby.
5. The freaks are the normals; the normals, like you, are the freaks.
6. It’s ALL an allusion. EVERYTHING.
7. Life is a (lost) highway, and all men with camcorders will be terrifying all night long.
8. In the far future, everyone has awful hair.
9. Sitting through Inland Empire is a hellish life lesson.
10. Every small town is totally f*cked.
11. Some day, you’ll be nothing more than a corpse on a video tape.
12. Everybody hurts (also works for an R.E.M. life lesson post).
13. You will never know anyone as gorgeous as this.
14. Secrets are lies, no one means anything.
15. Life is one big stoplight, and it’s always red, man.
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