F: My feelings for Candace Cameron‘s D.J. were (and remain) complicated. She was older than me, which I liked, but, well, let’s just say she never made me want to buy a box of Oat Boats. All these years later, I’m still unable to say what it is exactly that kept me from embracing D.J. the way I did Topanga or Laura Lee Winslow, but I guess that’s one of life’s many mysteries, like why “Deej” didn’t throw Nelson to the curb and run away with Viper. Anyway, she’s the F by default, because the M and K are so obvious.
M: As noted by Burnsy in his rankings of Jerry Seinfeld’s girlfriends on Seinfeld, Lori Loughlin hasn’t aged a day since 1992. She still looks marvelous, and unlike most sitcom marriages, where the lovely Leah Remini is married to Kevin James, who spills out of his shirt like a Pillsbury crescent roll coming out of a tube, I bought that Becky would end up with someone as handsome as John Stamos’ Jesse. Plus, Becky is as faithful as they come — if she can resist the greasy charms of Stavros, she can resist anyone.
K: KILL KILL KILL KIMMIE KIMMIE KIMMIE.
Even Stephanie, STEPHANIE, burned her. That’s low.